I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
