you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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