Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
