we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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