The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
