I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
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From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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