Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
