gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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