someone get that fucking seahorse.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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