Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
