So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
