Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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