every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
