I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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