I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
