If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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