wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
