I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
