she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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