i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think my moral compass just broke
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