I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
