Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
