I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
