someone get that fucking seahorse.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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