I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
