my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
