a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
