legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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