Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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