I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
