Betty ford says i'm here all night
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
