His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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