I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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