farters have to be the big spoon...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
