He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
