Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
