I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
