How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
