Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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