i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
