im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
