Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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