my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
