Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
