I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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