So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
