I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
