I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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