you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
