I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
