Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
