4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
