my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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