I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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