Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have already put on my inside pants.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
