My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
