Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
