I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
