I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can I color on your dick again?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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