i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
