I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
