Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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