Someone shit on the floor
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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